Parenting, Head Drilling, and Shame-less Lov

A mother spoke angrily to her adult child, "I thought your father and I drilled that into our children's heads just like our parents did to us. I am very disappointed in you!” Then, she hung up the phone. Over hearing this conversation, I thought: "’Drilling’ for is wood, for finding oil, and for military and marching band training. It’s not the way to practice good parenting."

Parents must touch a child's heart with shame-less love. A comment like the one above only serves to distance one's child and cause a fracture in the relationship by bringing deep hurt down upon the child’s heart. This is really more about parent's own needs than the child's needs. It is really saying, "If I'm going to feel good about you, if you’re going to get my love, I need you to be just like me."

Can you see how this parent was employing shame in an attempt to bring about the change she wanted to see in her child? I’ve noticed that parents who see their role as "drillers" eventually become "shamers." It's the only thing they can fall back on when they discover that all their drilling just didn't produce what they hoped it would produce. No, we don't drill things into our children's heads. We touch their hearts with genuine unconditional love- a consistent love that hangs in there, no ‘strings attached’, a ‘shame-less love’.

A good deal of shame-based parenting can be observed among well-meaning people who call themselves Christians. This is often what the world is reacting against when it considers the message of God’s people. 


The fact is, shame never really gets a healthy response from anyone, let alone our children. This is because it is not possible for shame to foster depth in relationships of any kind. Shaming erodes another's sense of being loved- and love with what children and the world around us need. Shame is an attack on another’s ‘person’ with hopes of altering their behavior. It says, “If you want a relationship with me, you must change to get my love.” The response- if there is one- is simply that of another person either hardening their heart toward the one doing the shaming, or acting in an effort to feel secure once again in the person’s approval they have “dis-graced”. (Just think about that word for a moment).  One thing is for sure: if the person's behavior is altered in any way, it does not flow from a changed heart but from a exploited heart.

By it's very nature, shame always withholds love and invites the other to act in a way that will earn the right to be loved again. But this is not genuine love because genuine godly love is not earned- it is freely given. There is nothing of God’s love in this kind of business transaction.

A parent must continually demonstrate to the child that there is nothing that child can ever do or say that will turn away the parent's freely given love. This will definitely require a parent’s full dependency on God’s grace.

This kind of parental love requires that we handle our children with deep respect- respect for their questions (even the questioning of their parent), respect for their feelings, respect for their ideas (even when they differ from the parent), respect  for their differences (with the parent him or herself). Of course, as our children grow older, the differences become more and more evident to the parent. Though this can be quite disconcerting at times, a parent must never forget to Whom their child ultimately belongs.

Good parenting is willing to make a deep investment 'of time- over time'- time spent showing an interest in the child; time encouraging the child; time invested in praying for God's best for the child. I've found that prayer not only helps me see my child (even my adult children) with new and tender eyes, but it also helps me see myself and my reactions to them in a clearer light.

For younger parents, it might help to know from an older parent that a healthy relationship with our adult children starts when our children are very small. It can get more difficult as they grow and mature, especially in the adolescent years, however, the ‘welcoming heart’ of a child first opens when they are very young. The secret is to keep that door open as they grow into adulthood and never use shame to motivate them. Surround them with unconditional love, always keeping an open and tender heart toward them.

Of course, no one can love unconditionally all the time. It is a fact of our nature that we all blow it. When we do, we need to humbly admit it and then do the right thing by confessing our wrong and asking for forgiveness. Since more is caught than taught, how we respond to our heavenly Father when we’ve blown it may be one of the healthiest practices we demonstrate to our children. As long as we are they parent, they need to witness how we running after the grace flowing from God's heart.

By the way, the parent is also a child. That means our children watch how we treat our parents (whether they are alive or passed on). You've it heard: "What goes around, comes around”? God says something very similar: "Watch out. Have you not heard: You reap what you sow?" How do I as a parent want my children to respond to me? Well, I must treat my own parents the same way.

No. You cannot just drill things into a child's head (sort of reminds me of the old psychiatric practice of performing a lobotomy to a person’s change behavior or drilling in the cranium to let out the bad spirits). A better approach: Touch and nurture the child's heart with shame-less, never-ending love.